WHY DO RELATIONSHIPS BETWEEN WOMEN OFTEN TURN SOUR

In this society where we live in, it is often said that women are their own worst enemies. The very same women fighting for women rights, feminism, girl power, women empowerment, who ought to be role models and mentors to younger women are the very one waging these battles. Why is it that we are more comfortable with male bosses and vulnerable with females? Why is it that we prefer our future families with more male members than females? Why is it that female friendship don’t stay for long? What’s at the root of this unhealthy rivalry?

Is it that we think there is scarcity of opportunities for women in this male focused arena and we cannot afford the fellow woman to outshine us. Or maybe it is easy to put down a woman  and prove yourself. Or may be we have a soft corner for the opposite sex or we think men are stronger and don’t feel the need to compete with them.

There is no denying the fact that for a woman, it is hard to listen anything good about the other woman. Though most women hate to admit it, they still judge each other on looks, age, physical appearance, social status and sex appeal. This is terrible, but true. Women are relieved when another woman is not more attractive than they are.

To be very frank every woman including me could relate to this weird feeling. For many women, high school was where we cultivated our first real thoughts of society, our first inklings of how life worked. Too often, what we learned was an emphasis on competition and comparison. We spent our days wondering how we could get that boy’s attention and why that girl was prettier or smarter or better than we were. We secretly hated them because they secretly hated us.

This is something we have grown up watching, the “saas-bahu” tv serials which profoundly exclaims that they are a reflection of the social stature of a woman-to-woman relationship, adds fuel to our wrong belief system. Jealousy, hatred, mistrust, competitiveness, apathy etc. are part and parcel of the weird feeling we share among each other.

It’s not that we are taught to feel like that, but subconsciously every woman has this feeling in them. A woman never trusts another with any piece of advice, her compliments, her distress, her exaggerations etc. We often notice that women are very outspoken and wherever they go are easily able to jell with others and soon finds out something to gossip about with their spying skills. This little group of the eavesdroppers presumes that they are the bosom buddies not knowing that one of them becomes the new masala topic as soon as she gets up from the conversation. Or may she know but still sticks around because all women are the same.

There can be nothing more miserable than to have an irked female boss and if you the unlucky one, she leaves no stone unturned to ruin your life, and there comes us trying very hard to flatter her to spare our lives from her evilness because the guys wouldn’t have to do much, you know what I mean!

However, there is something else to be more worried about; the relationships you cannot avoid living under the same roof. The “saas-bahu”, “nanad-bhabhi”, “devarani-jethani” are the few deadliest combos which you are gifted along with your wedding vows to live upto for the rest of your life. The obvious obligation to please one another starts from day one; whether you like it or not. Even if you do things by heart you are judged with every gesture & reaction and you too judge back and make false opinions of your own.

Whereas on the other hand, we can have various examples of the closest bonds women share in terms of “best girlfriends”, “mother-daughter”, “sisters” where there is no room of that weird feeling I talked about. You share your deepest secrets, guilts, gossips, sadness, happiness, advises, tips, ideas, future plans, personal and private matters with one another. Even if you make the other angry, shout, steal or betray- it is all fine. You are more than happy  to see the other flourish and progress in life.

So why is this weird feeling not for everyone but restricted to some tagged relations, as we never get the opportunity to pick and choose any of the relationships for us, it’s just happens and comes our way and we have to accept them as it is. It is the fact that a woman is the only one who could understand exactly what the other goes through but it affects only depending on the category of the relationships she falls.

This is something to be worked on and this time we got to learn something from men because for them whether it is a friend, a cosin, a brother-in law they have the same empathy for all of them. Things are not that complicated for them but we make them complicated for us. It needs to be understood that the social comparisons with which we are engaged into is always done with someone whom we subconsciously believe superior to ourselves undermining our self-worth and our confused place in society. Unfortunately, we end up in making comparisons with even people close to us.

The fight against gender inequality can never be won if we ourselves continue to propagate gender injustice. Women need to stand together in support of each other and work together to bring about a change in attitude of the society.

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CHOOSE YOUR BATTLES WISELY, NOT EVERY BATTLE IS YOUR FIGHT

“It wasn’t MY fault; everything was absolutely fine and going smooth until HE/SHE started”

We often come across people playing the blame games when asked about what went wrong without contemplating why it happened in the first place. The reason to this is very clear that there is a difference of opinion between two people, and both of them are adamant to understand or even listen to the one another. The conflict lingers on until one surrenders to the other and admits its fault. This could happen with anyone and anywhere at work or home, with colleagues or friends & family and no one can refrain themselves from such situations.

A human mind is so complex with millions of thoughts hovering in its head considering that whatever it thinks and perceives is the most righteous thing ever. And this is a very natural phenomenon prevailing in every individual which gives them the power of self-confidence & making an opinion and for them it is obvious that the mind would never make a wrong choice. Since, we are all same so we always support and defend our point of view & decisions taken at a particular time.

There are two kinds of people; one who thinks first, take a pause to actually put their thoughts into words. Even in circumstances of disagreement they are the ones, who calmly listen to what the other person has to say, evaluate the situation to make out the best possible solution. They make sure that there is no room for any conflict and everyone is given a fair chance to say what they think.

The other kind is the one who does not have a filter between their mind and the tongue. Nothing is more important for them than their belief system and proving their point. They choose their ego over the other person. Whoever comes in their way has to bow down to whatever they have to say or face the scuffle. They are not very much fond of losing any argument. However, there are pros and cons of both these kind. One is witty & sharp and the other is honest & unkind.

So how does a conflict start? Let’s get started; there has to be at least two people involved, a heated conversation  and two viewpoints. Both of them burning in their outrage put their plea to the best of their understanding and try to defend their viewpoints until one gets proved wrong. There is one another battle fought more creepy than the above where no words are said, nothing is proved after a heated talk and everything gets numb and intense thereafter until one fine day someone tries to break the ice. Many times it is noticed that the thing for which they were fighting is no more important but the way & the tone with which they reacted was more disturbing and leaves the bitterness behind even when things gets sorted.

Honestly, there is always two sides of a story and both the stories seems right when heard one by one which make me ponder on the fact that; there is nothing right or wrong nonetheless there are two notions shaped in consequence of the individual’s upbringing, exposure and experiences. It seems illogical to demean the other just to justify your point when the other might not be completely wrong.

Here comes the art of actually pick and choose what is worth to fight for; a matter that should be worth more than wasting your constructive energy. It is important to address and acknowledge your point but let it go thereafter. The other person would understand if he wanted to in the first or second attempt. And the ones who keep their ears shut and mouth open all the time would never get it in even 100 times. The heart feels the pain, no doubt at that but how long would you want it to suffer. Your inner peace is more imperative than any insignificant event. You cannot enter into the 0ther person’s head and try to fix it. The brain’s gonna anyway listen to its master not you. So why waste your energy?

  • If someone doesn’t like you, let it be. Why do you want to be liked by every other person?
  • If someone said something bad behind your back, who cares! They are always behind you. So chill!
  • If they made fun of you, laugh it out. Even they are not perfect.
  • If they ignored you, ignore them: it hurts them even more.
  • If they shout at you or taunt you, try to understand their pain, there must be something terrible happening in their lives and that they envy you so much so that they just can’t resist shouting.

Above all love yourself and love the fact that every person has the right to speak their heart out. You need not have to agree to it or validate it right or wrong. It’s not winning battles that makes you happy, but it’s how many times you turned away and choose to look into a better direction. Life is too short to spend it on warring.

Be kind to yourself.

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